May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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