ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
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