Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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