38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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