Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
