TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
