if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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