When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
This is my gift to your gina
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
