So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
