So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
