Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
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we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
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Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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