It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
