the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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