I puked a lego.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
