I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
