the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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