I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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