Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
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I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
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I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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