I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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