I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
