i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Who died my cat blue again?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
