Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
