Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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