3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
