Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
