why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
