There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
