A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
