I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
