I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize