I think my vagina is haunted
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize