I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
