that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The power of my boobs compel you
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
