you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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