true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
