My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
