I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
