I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
