What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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