Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
