i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
