Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
