i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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