Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
