i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
