you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
