My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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