I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
