what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
