Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Randomize
