well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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