It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
