well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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