Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
