I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
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VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
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