You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
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