I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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