Fine. I'll sleep in my office
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
