.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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