Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
