New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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