The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
wakey wakey hands off snakey
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
