So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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