Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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