ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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