I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
