Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
